


when will losing feel like winning?

by itbelynx



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Family Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 19:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21325225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itbelynx/pseuds/itbelynx
Summary: Lavellan receives a letter concerning his clan pertaining to their demise. Wracked with grief, he makes a plan to destroy the Duke of Wycome. Will someone be able to talk him out of doing something foolish?
Relationships: Background Fenhawke, Male Hawke & Male Inquisitor, Male Lavellan/Dorian Pavus
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	when will losing feel like winning?

The grim look on Leliana’s face as she handed him the letter told Fae Lavellan that it wasn’t good news. Hesitantly, he took it, opening the scroll with the slightest shaking of his hands. 

_ Clan Lavellan was slain.  _

He didn’t get much further than that before the whole world went numb. He felt nauseous. He had been trying to send reinforcements to them, having to rely on noble diplomats because they needed their soldiers for the march on Adamant. But they hadn’t gotten there in time. They had been killed by the Duke of Wycome. 

Anger took over the pit in his stomach. Fae began to seethe with rage. He grabbed his staff and began to marched out of the war room. 

“Where are you going?” Josephine asked, concern dancing in her voice. 

“Wycome. I’m going to kill the Duke myself.” He didn’t wait for a response, just charged right out. His footsteps echoed against the stone. He marched across the hall and hollered up to his beloved. “Dorian! Get your things. We’re leaving for Wycome.”

“Why so far north?” Dorian asked, looking over the edge from his usual spot in the library. “Wait, isn’t that where your clan is from?”

“Yeah. There’s something we gotta take care of. Get your things, I’ll go grab Cass and Cole.” He caught eyes with Solas, who gave an inquisitive look, but then promptly turned around and marched out the front door. 

Fae found Cassandra and told her to grab her things, then went to find Cole. FIrst, the attic space of the Herald’s Rest. Unfortunately, he wasn’t there. Frowning, he made his way back outside. He searched around a bit, asking a couple guards if they had seen him until he finally had a lead up on the battlements. After a few minutes, he found the spirit conversing with Hawke. 

“Cole! We’re heading out soon. Get ready.”

“Where are we going?” He asked, almost bouncing to his tiptoes. 

“Wycome. There’s someone-  _ something _ we need to take care of.” 

“Red hot anger. Boiling. Fear mixed with sadness.  _ ‘Is it my fault? I should have done more. I killed them. _ ’” 

“What’s he going on about?” Hawke asked, taking a step closer. 

Fae stood in place, unable to move. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. If he did, he would surely crumble to pieces. He clenched his fists until the knuckles turned white. He knew Cole could read his emotions he just hoped the kid had waited until they were on the road. 

“You want to kill the Duke of Wycome.”

This voice wasn’t Cole’s. It instead belonged to Varric, who was walking up with Leliana and Dorian. 

“So what if I do? I’ve killed plenty of Red Templars and Venatori. Shit, I let Empress Celene die. Why is going to kill one Duke any big deal?  
“Because of how it will look,” Leliana spoke up. “The Duke supports the Inquisition. You going to kill him will look bad to our other supporters.”

“I don’t fucking  _ care _ about that. I don’t care. The Duke let my clan die. And if your agents are right, then he is the one behind the attack. This can’t be allowed to stand. My clan- my  _ family _ -” Fae broke off, tears finally stinging his eyes. He had lost everything. At the beginning of this he had said he would one day like to go back to his clan after everything. But now.. Now there was no clan to return to. 

Dorian approached him slowly. He recoiled slightly at first, but eventually let Dorian wrap an arm around him. It took everything not to fall apart. He was the Inquisitor. He couldn’t be shown as weak. He couldn’t let Thedas see him falter. Not after everything they had been through. And especially not with the upcoming battle at Adamant. 

"Fae," Hawke said, "Will you walk with me?"

He didn't speak, but he did nod. He leaned on Dorian as they walked, holding his arm in an attempt to not lose his composure. His heart and soul ached but he couldn't let that show as various soldiers and scouts that passed him by. He simply acknowledged them. After a few moments, they found themselves sitting in a secluded area in above the forge.Dorian and Fae sat on one side, while Hawke sat on the other.

"I assume you've read Varric's book about me?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well, then you know I've also lost my whole family. First, my father. Then my sister while we were trying to escape the Blight. Then when we went to the Deep Roads, I lost my brother. And finally I lost my mother to a serial killer. I went from a big family to having no one."

"I'm so sorry," Fae said softly.

"I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me. It's going to be okay. Right now, yes, it sucks. It's bullshit. You feel like it's your fault. You should have done more. You should have been there. You could have kept them safe."

"I could have... My mother died during the birth of my little sister. I did my best to take care of us both until I was chosen to become my Keeper's Second. I couldn't spend as much time with her because of my studies but when I could, I would tell her stories about ancient elves and Arlathan. She loved it. She.." He choked back a sob. "She had just turned eleven a few months ago. I told her I was going to take her on a hunting trip after I got back from the Conclave.. I promised her-"

That's when everything fell apart. His little sister was dead and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He was heartbroken. He had lost his family and clan all in one go.

"I have to kill the Duke."

"Fae. It won't help. This I can promise you. I killed the man who killed my mother and I didn't feel any better."

"I don't fucking  _ care _ ! That man betrayed me and let the nobles kill my clan. He deserves to suffer just as I am suffering."

"I agree he deserves to suffer. But your hand needn't be the one that takes his life. You already have enough red in your ledger, don't add more than is necessary."

Fae looked down at his hands. Hawke was right. He had killed so many people already. He could still hear the screams of those in the Winter Palace echo in his mind as the image of a blade sticking through Celene's stomach filled his mind. Florianne may have done the deed, but in the end it was his fault for letting her kill the Empress.

"Does it get any easier?"

"Not at first. But with the help of some very good friends, it becomes manageable. There were many nights that Fenris just held me while I sobbed for my family."

"I'll be here for you, Fae. I won't ever abandon you," Dorian said softly, wrapping his arms around him and rubbing gentle circles on his back and bicep. "I'm sure we can talk to Leliana or Josephine and see what can be done about the Duke's suffering. I'm sure we can figure out a secret he's hiding that could destroy him."

"That's not enough for me."

"I know. But it's a start. Once he's given a bad reputation, we can kill him. He'll be irrelevant and depending on what we find, it may even seem like a good thing."

Fae took a moment to breathe and try to stop sobbing. "Okay."

"Let me talk to Varric and see if we can get a group together for a game of Wicked Grace." Hawke got up, walked back downstairs and out into Skyhold.

"Thank you, Dorian," Fae said softly.

"Of course, Amatus. I would do anything for you. I've never experienced loss like this so I'm unsure really what to say, but I am here for you for whatever you need."

He nodded. "I appreciate that. I'm glad Hawke was here, too. He might be the only other one who has any idea what this feels like, to have an enormous weight on you that you can't show any weakness or else have it turned against you."

"I'm sorry that you've been thrust into this. But I am proud of how far you've come. It takes a great deal of courage to step forward and try to make the world better. I don't think many others in your position would do the same. And I admire that you continue to stick up for mages and elves, even though the entire world looks at you with disdain."

"I don't care about how they look at me. I've never cared about that. If they wanna hate me without knowing me, fine. I'm used to being disliked on principle. I don't care. I only care what you and my other friends and advisers think of me. I don't want to seem like a tyrant."

"The day someone accuses  _ you _ of being a tyrant is the day I turn to blood magic."

Fae cracked a very small smile.

"Come on, let's go see if we can drink with the others and lose some money." Dorian stood up and offered his hand, which Fae took, and the two made their way out of the forge.

It would take some time to heal, but Fae was glad to have Dorian and the others in his life. He may have lost his clan, but he didn't lose his whole family. He had accidentally found a new one along the way. It wasn't perfect, but that's what made it his.

**Author's Note:**

> hey i had an idea about what if lavellan's clan died and then a hawke who had also lost his whole family talked to him about it, knowing truly what that felt like.


End file.
